joi, the Middle East-based pioneering online gift platform, has announced its newest innovative offering – ‘Kill ‘Em with Kindness’ with same-day delivery to Washington, D.C. It’s said that ‘you can catch more flies with honey’, and joi has put that theory to the test with the new service. Beginning today, for all orders placed before 1pm, joi will deliver your gifts to President Donald Trump at the White House the same day. All orders are hand-delivered by one of the company’s stylishly uniformed ‘Agents of joi’, and they come with free hugs, which are sure to melt President Trump’s heart.
So whether you believe overloading him with kindness and gifts will help change his attitude towards the Middle East, or you think he needs a bit of cheering up after his recent healthcare bill woes – joi’s ‘Kill ‘Em with Kindness’ service is just what you were looking for.
To ensure that you send the absolute right amount of happiness, you can choose your gift from the exclusive new joi-curated ‘Trump Collection’ of gifts, each expertly chosen to suit the needs of President Donald Trump:
- DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS: Help him be all the Statesman he can be with the ‘Diplomacy for Dummies’ expert guide.
- HAIR PEACE: Give him peace of mind from pesky winds with a brand new, easy to manage hairstyle that will never get away from him.
- IMAGE MAKEOVER: Donald often struggles with his image in this modern era, as most of the pictures of him involve a huge group of white men. You can change all that by sending him a ‘Diversity Rent-a-crowd’. Packed full of diverse characters from a whole host of different cultures, religions and countries, this multi-colored group will make him look welcoming and tolerant in no time! (NB: Visa entries for this product aren’t guaranteed and could include extra cost or delayed delivery).
- BEST HANDS EVER: It has been heard that President Trump can sometimes be a little sensitive about the size of his hands. Introducing the innovative Hand-Grower Gloves! This genius invention will transform stubby hands into long, slender, gravitas-evoking, giant man-hands – in just 3 days. Easy to follow instructions and a money back guarantee make this the best gift for those with a digit complex.
- TWEET TRUMPETS: Built by former members of Twitter’s engineering team, this genius new app helps you be the very best that you can be. Aptly-named the ‘Trumptastic Twitter Cheat’, this software integrates with your Twitter profile and automatically changes any tweet you make into the smartest possible variation.